Merry Christmas!

Talk about mixed emotions today (this week or whatever).

The updated news on the medical stuff, the good news is that basically we ruled out the really bad pancreatic cancer. The "I don't know what to consider this news" is we still aren't sure what the tumors are because they are not "showing up" on special scans and blood test like they thought they would (rather not showing up at all as the kind of tumor they thought they were, maybe still are, thinking they are). We are on Christmas break as far as diagnosis, treatment or whatever I guess. The good news is that I have a surgical consult with the most experienced surgeon in the WORLD for the kind of surgery I most likely will have, the first wk of January, to discuss surgery. If we proceed with surgery, it will likely be near the end of January. At this point it is looking like pretty major surgery but we'll see, maybe God has other plans.

Other good news is that "Flower" is here!!  It blows my mind that she has been here a week already! It has gone by extremely fast. She has come back to us just full of life, happy, healthy and so loving. We have had her call her foster family 3 times so far and everytime she is so happy to do so and I can hear their enthusiasm through the phone as she talks to them. It just warms my heart to know she is so loved and is well cared for by this wonderful family.

The bad news, as you probably read in my last post, I lost my best friend to breast cancer this weekend. I can't even go into detail how I feel. It is such am emotionaol roller coaster and as I was folding the laurndry today I realized that my playful self that showed up when "Flower" arrived (since I finally was able to say "goodbye" to my job and take a break from the medical and pre-hosting drama) has turned into much of irritability and discontentment. I MISS MY BEST FRIEND! I'm angry that she had to die so young and so painfully. I'm mad that her life was so incredibly hard. I'm angry I did not get to say goodbye because I was so far away and couldn't really know for sure when was the right time, not to mention that it has been quite a while since we were able to have a real phone conversation as she was in and out of the hopsital medicated, sleeping or whatever. The last time I spoke with her was right before my EUS (endoscopic thing). She knew they found tumors but never heard anything more about the tests or results.

I'm sad her 6 yr old daughter will grow up without her mommy. I'm...I don't know what the feeling is...maybe concerned, annoyed, frustrated, that her daughter could end up living a life similarly difficult like Marni's. Marni's father died when she was young, her Grandmother, whom she was very close to, died when she was a teen. Her mother died when she 21. They all had CANCER. We knew someday Marni would have cancer too but when we were young adults living together and partying hard (when I was 19 and she was 21) we never imgained it would be so soon. Marni battled drug addiction and severe depression. Everything really was so difficult for her. And still, she always was surrounded by friends and family ("step" family as her only living blood relative was her brother) who cosntantly loved on her and did everything they could to help her. I have to tell you, you gotta be pretty awesome to live such a dramatic life and not have everyone just say "the heck with you" and leave you behind. Marni was awesome.

I think about her smile and her laugh. I think about how we started to tell each other "I love you" everytime we would hang up the phone once she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I would say, "I love you, Marn" and she would say "I love you too, Mic" (she was one of the rare few who still called me Micky instead of Michelle, like everyone did when I was growing up). I wonder if I will someday stop hearing her voice in my mind.

It's just so hard to believe that she really is gone. It seems so unreal. When I first heard I kept saying, "It can't be real..no, it can't be real" I knew it was but I don't know. Everythime I remind myself that yes, she really is gone....gone forever, there is this incredible aching inside of me. I can only really explain it like that deep, pulling feeling, when you are vomiting and heaving heavily but without the sickness or nausea. I don't want her to be gone. I didn't get to tell her that I love her one last time.

As if this isn't all bad enough, I learned that she was begging to be taken out of her misery in the last days. She was in so much pain, vomiting, couldn't breath (the cancer had gone to her lungs) and there just didn't seem like they could do anything for her (which is a bunch of crap in my book because you know there must be SOMETHING but I'm sure her crappy insurance had all to do with her failed recovery and painful death). I'm glad she is no longer in pain but I wish I knew that she had the truth before she was taken from us.

Anyway, my emotional roller coaster won't be ending anytime soon, I'm sure. Let's see, in 2 weeks I see the surgeon, then "Flower" leaves only days later, then most likely surgery, results, recovery, then what? I don't know.  UGH!!!!!!!

Don't feel sorry for me, that's not why I am writing any of this. I just need to get it out becuase everyone around me seems to think I should just be "okay"...or at least that's the way it seems anyway. Well, inside, I'm not. Not really.

Hi Michelle,

Your blog has brought me to tears. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

If you remember me, we talked on the phone once before and I keep up on your story.

Please know that Marni is in a better place and out of pain. And from my experience, she is still with you and her daughter. Pay attention and be open to signs that she is near.

I'm so happy "Flower" is with you and if all goes well, she will be with you and your family forever.

I hope all goes well with your surgery. I'm praying for you.

Take care,

Sue

Wow, what a trying time. I am praying for you as you traverse through this valley.

It is so nice to have a blog where you can put your feelings into words. It is healing in many ways.

We know that "all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose". I pray that it is not long before you see God weaving the good out of this low time in your life.